Taking it All Away

I know I can’t be the only one who wishes with all of their hearts that they could just take it all away.

A year ago I started wishing I could take all of it away from Adam… I wished I could make the emotional pain he was going through away… the hurt, the anger, the way he took everything out on himself… I wish I could have helped him with all of my heart.  6 months later, I was making the same wish.  I couldn’t take that away then.  Now he is back to laughing a real laugh and it is beautiful.

Now I look at Amandya and I think… if I could only take all of this back… if I could take the allergies away from her… if I could take away the Epilepsy and the Keppra side effects… if I could just take it all away and make life more fair.

Prednisone isn’t helping her so much yet.  Benedryl is helping her a little, it is making the swelling in her face go down…  either the benedryl of the prednisone is making the hives and the itchy all over go down some too… and I think it is the benedryl because it is wearing off in just a few hours and the puffy starts back up…

I want to take it all away.

I want to have an answer for “Why Me”…

I can rationalize totally.  I can tell her that I understand most of it, and because of what I’ve been going through I can… but it doesn’t help a whole lot.  I even made her feel worse because I told her that I’ve come to the conclusion that the reason I figure I’m dealing with all of my wonderfulness <yeah… sarcasm> is because of her… because I needed to understand how Keppra makes her head feel, because I needed to have taken Prednisone so I could help her not be afraid when the doctor said steroids (everyone knows steroids are bad… listen to the news)… because I needed to get my head around a chronic condition to help her deal with a chronic condition… I know I made it worse… “great, more to be because of me”… now I feel crappy because I made her feel worse than she already felt and she already felt badly enough.

Why does this have to be so hard?  Why can’t I make anything better?


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