Guilty As Charged

Man, I never thought raising a mini-me would be so hard… not when I’m trying so hard to be different.

Last night it was 90% chance of thunder storms.  Flash Flood watches for our area and flash flood warnings for nearby counties.  At or past time to take pills.

She’s mad.  I understand why she was angry but let it be said that she was mad from the get go.

She said she was going to the park.  Okay, fine, went to the park… she does that a lot and it is a good place to go and sit and think.

I texted her Did you take your pills?

answer… whatever…

She assured me she took them.  I’m still not sure.

All I asked after that was that she not be out too late.  Not come home now… just… hey I know you are totally grown up and don’t need anyone but please don’t be out when it is storming because I’m totally stupid because I worry.

Whey is it so bad that I care and worry about her the way I worry about her older brother?

I know caring about her is bad because she is totally fifteen and therefore doesn’t need anyone except her friends (the ones who have the school making fun of her for lots of things… friends who need her to buy their way into the dollar movies and to buy them food at McDonalds but who are going to all pull their own weight in an apartment if they all three live together… yeah).

She keeps getting mad at me for us not letting her have a life.

That one really hurts…

I was seventeen years old and was not allowed to be more than half a mile from my front door all alone.  And if I actually made it to that half hour, I was timed to see how long it took me to get up the far hill and back down… I wasn’t allowed to be as far from my house at the time as the ELEMENTARY school is from my house now.  I was never alone at school functions… I wasn’t allowed alone in the ROOM with my ‘team’ when we were getting ready to go to state competition… there were 6 teenagers in a closed high school with locked doors everywhere and I wasn’t allowed to be more than 20 feet from watchful eyes.  She doesn’t know what watched like a hawk is.

She goes to the near park alone.  She goes to the far park alone.  She goes to the high school alone.  She goes to the store alone.  She stays after school EVERY DAY and you BETTER not suggest that one day a month she might not stay away from home till 6 or she gets really angry.  All I want (given that we are only 2 weeks from the last seizure) is to make sure she is okay and that she doesn’t stay out in the park in a thunder storm.

why is that wrong?

She tells me that I’m treating her like a child…

I’m trying to not put strings on her after her epilepsy diagnosis.  I try really HARD to let her flex her wings and find an intermediate form of independence (she is STILL only 15 even though she thinks that means she doesn’t need anyone anywhere for anything because she is a grown up… only a certain amount of independence is all I’m willing to give).  I’m trying to find the spot between ” I really really want to be where I can see you and know you are safe ” and ” Okay… go do whatever you want because you are a teenager and you are going to do whatever you want anyway so I shouldn’t care”.

I care.  I worry.  I’m sorry… I know that is so not cool I don’t care.  I don’t know how to change and I’m the mommy and I don’t think I should have to change.

Am I all wrong?


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Teresa Oliver
    May 15, 2010 @ 10:49:52

    My son Eric is 12 and acts the same way I guess it starts early does it get better.


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