It’s Not Fair

No, angel girl, it isn’t fair.  It isn’t fair at all.

This morning, I went with Squirrel to her Field Meet.  I got to actually watch a lot of it, too.

I was taking pictures of the O-course runners when one of the upper classmen came running to tell me something was the matter with her.  I’m in a 6 foot cyclone fence.  I have to half run half walk to the gate… keeping my laptop in its backpack all safe and all out of the way of the runners.  Out the gate… she is sitting on the ground hyperventilating… trying to stop throwing up… trying to be able to stand up… dizzy.  The kids who were there making sure she was okay (Buddha… really?) disbursed and left me with her.

He clung to me (it is kind of nice to be the mommy when she needs someone) crying and telling me that it isn’t fair.

And you know… I can’t argue with her.  It isn’t fair.  I can’t make it fair.  All I can do is be here to support her… help her along her new adventure and try to help her to understand and cope.

She got angry… so angry she snapped her LiveStrong.  She pulled on it in anger so hard while it was still around her wrist that it snapped… not just snapped and came off… snapped into two disconnected pieces.  She took off her medicalert bracelet.  Said she can’t live strong if she feels like this all the time.

I have the pieces.  I’m going to carry them to remember that life isn’t fair and that sometimes living strong can mean a lot of different things…

It isn’t fair to be 15 when you are diagnosed with something that has the potential to change all of the plans you had made for the rest of your life.  It isn’t fair to have to deal with all of this stuff like the fear of seizures or the way  that the anti-seizure meds make you feel… especially not when you have to deal with not knowing for sure if the boy you like likes you and knowing that the boy who loves you dearly isn’t the one you think is wonderful.  Not when you have to deal with the stress of grades and dances and being allowed to walk the whole way home (it’s just over a mile home from school) all by yourself so you can stop by the creek and calm your mind when your pain in the butt parents want to walk you home because they are worried too.

It really isn’t fair.

There are a  WHOLE lot of things that are way less fair… and that is something I’m trying to help her understand.  But when you are in the middle of it… hearing isn’t always easy.

I have come to the conclusion, though, that maybe there is a purpose to my having to take chemotherapy drugs every Friday night…to beat back the RA is so she will know that they aren’t empty platitudes when I tell her I know how her meds make her feel…


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Mom
    Mar 07, 2010 @ 12:19:40



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