It’s a Braces Off Kind of Day

Today, squirrel gets her braces off.  It’s been a long three years, but today is the day.  She is so excited.

It was a wonderful weekend.  To see her smile, and laugh, and talk for more than an hour on the phone… she is coming back to herself.

It is braces off day.  Dr Sing isn’t thrilled that her bite is still a little off… but the compromise is that she doesn’t want to leave the braces on at the cost of the teeth health… so off they come.
I sit at the end of the dentist chair watching to make sure that, if any weird seizure activity starts, I can watch and catch it.  Of course, I forgot the diazepam, but I don’t think anything bad will happen…. I hope.
I got to talk to my sister on the phone this morning early early… it was really nice to talk to her.  It was funny, though.  1. She kept telling me that I am such an incredibly strong woman… I’m just a mom and I just do what I have to do… I had to hold it together for my kid… She said that she (no one up home) was holding it together as well as I seemed to be.  No one saw me curled up on the couch in the hospital, staring out the window at the Austin skyline in the middle of the night holding onto my stuffed bear for dear life sobbing because I can’t fix this… 2. She said exactly what has kept going through my head… it is “only” epilepsy.  There are so many other things it could have been, so many things that aren’t controlled as easy as hers seems to be being… so many other things that may not have been able to be controlled with just taking meds… I keep thinking the same thing… this could have been so much worse.
It was so good to hear her voice… good to hear the normalcy of home.
The dental assistant told me the appointment will last 90 min roughly and that I can sit somewhere else or I don’t even need to be here… I need to be here.  We check on her fifty times a night to make sure she is okay still.  I call her or text her to make sure everything is okay still.  I won’t leave her side right now in case she seizes.  I don’t know when this fear will stop but I know it will.
Sitting in the waiting room, I took the last couple pictures that will be taken of her with her braces on.  She is sitting in the chair, spiderman sun glasses on her face (not sure WHY… but it is a doctor Sing thing), mouth open and pliers shoved in…it is an interesting look on her.  It is hard to believe that in just a matter of minutes she will be without braces.  Her friend (who she HUGGED… eesh… I want her to hug me so willingly) just got rubber bands put on and thinks they feel weird… and they do probably.  Me… I’m sitting on the floor at her feet… I keep watching… reaching out and touching her feet to make sure she knows I’m here and that everything is as it always is.
She is 15.  When do I quit feeling like I need to reach out and reassure her?
In the emergency room I think I annoyed her (the SECOND time in the emergency room last week) by singing by-oh by-oh by-oh.  It never soothed her as a baby… and I don’t think it soothed her this time… but it soothed me…. And I like to convince myself that it helped her a little.
When will I start to worry less?
When will things start to feel more normal???
When will I be more comfortable that she isn’t going to ever have to go though another seizure???
Will I ever be able to know?

1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Mom
    Mar 01, 2010 @ 16:05:06

    OK. So, now I cry! I love you so much. For some of them the need for reaching out and touching the feet never ceases…for you or the offspring. Bob is a good example.
    Hugs come so freely at my house. From everyone and anywhere. I wish you could freely be the same.
    I sat and rocked Bob when he was in his major panic attack in the er. He drank it in willingly. He did not want me to let go.

    As your mom I can answer some of your questions.

    When will I start to worry less? Maybe 6 mo!
    When will things start to feel more normal??? Maybe 3 mo!
    When will I be more comfortable that she isn’t going to ever have to go though another seizure??? Never ever.
    Will I ever be able to know? Nope!


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