Even if you don’t Diastat

I am the (not so) proud owner of several hundred dollars worth of Diastat, just in case.  Just in case we have a break through seizure that lasts more than 5 minutes (does anyone else realize that five minutes is about 600 years in mommy years when someone is seizing) so we can settle down her brain and keep her safer.  We have never used one.  I hope they expire and I never have to use them.

HOWEVER… that isn’t the purpose of this post.

I found (go figure) the DIASTAT website.  This website is awesome.  It has acres of information and forms to help plan and track and live a better life.  It is an amazingly deep source for real living with Epilepsy.  You can sign up for a free carrying case (you can get 2 for free) for the diastat containers.  There are VHS how to use videos.  They have really robust Seizure Preparedness Planning resources that can help to not only plan for life in general as someone how might have a seizure, but to track seizures, to track meds, to plan on going to school, to plan on going on vacation, to plan on living your life

It was a precious find today.  I wish I had been thinking ahead more to have visited here way sooner but better late than never

Trying to Decide to Argue with the Doctor

They did the EEG.

The doctor knows best… right?  They have been to school… they KNOW things.

But… maybe they are wrong…

I have been looking at seizure videos on youtube… There are some very courageous people out there willing to put themselves on the line… so to speak.  I have been watching and researching and trying to decide how I tell the doctor that I think he’s wrong.

He says Amandya has Complex Partial… and I guess if the EEG is accurate, maybe by definition (their definition) it is… it is in the right temporal lobe… which makes it a temporal lobe seizure… if the EEG taken the next day is accurate of what is happening during the seizure…

But if you watch what happens in other people’s seizures… I don’t think they are right. I think she has tonic clonic seizures… I almost think they are tonic clonic followed by a complex partial… She is unconscious on the floor (or ground) stiff and thrashing, she is not walking around… yes, her body is doing motions that are not within her control… but that is kind of the definition of seizure… her arms are extended and locked at the elbows… one typically extended over her head the other out straight in front of her or behind her back (depending on how she ends up laying down).

When she comes out of the seizure proper… the eyes rolled back… the jerking and thrashing… then she starts to do the movements that resemble a complex partial… pulling at her clothes… smacking her lips…

How do I tell the doctor I think he is wrong?

I’m not impressed to begin with with how they seem to give a crap that the meds are really REALLY not working… at least they haven’t yet… I’m really not impressed with the fact that she is having wicked mood swings because (I have no doubt) of the meds… I sometimes worry when she is so much in the throws of being COMPLETELY ANGRY that she will hurt herself inadvertently (punching the wall… for example)…

what do I do… how do I help?  Do I find another neurologist

What is a Seizure…

Okay, I guess in retrospect, this may seem like a silly question… particularly if you find yourself ending up here… I mean… very few people go hunting for information on something unless they have some clue what they are looking for…

But seriously… when Amandya had her first seizure, I was totally clueless.  I wish with all of my heart that I could than whoever turned her in to the guard at the school… either they recognized it for what it was, or they just were trying to help.  I was a lot like what I figure most people are when they think of a seizure… the stereotypical thrashing on the ground.  I took a class once that supposed to say what they were (it was decades ago… back when you were supposed to force a wallet for example between their teeth) and I realize that I really didn’t have much of a clue.

And… right now… I’m all about having a clue and about everyone having a clue.  I don’t kid myself that I will reach a TON of people with this… heck, I figure if I reach 10 people with it, I’m lucky… but if I reach ONE with it… if I help ONE person… that is one person who may be a little less scared and a little more informed…

This morning, the symptoms of seizures.  Didn’t write it… Not even going to edit it… but if I can reach even one person with information that helps… then maybe I have done my job…

So… the adventure begins…

This is information I got from epilepsy.com

A seizure is usually defined as a sudden alteration of behavior due to a temporary change in the electrical functioning of the brain, in particular the outside rim of the brain called the cortex. Below you will find some of the symptoms people with epilepsy may experience before, during and after a seizure. Seizures can take on many different forms and seizures affect different people in different ways. It is not implied that every person with seizures will experience every symptom described below.

Seizures have a beginning, middle, and end

When an individual is aware of the beginning, it may be thought of as a warning or aura. On the other hand, an individual may not be aware of the beginning and therefore have no warning.

Sometimes, the warning or aura is not followed by any other symptoms. It may be considered a simple partial seizure by the doctor.

The middle of the seizure may take several different forms. For people who have warnings, the aura may simply continue or it may turn into a complex partial seizure or a convulsion. For those who do not have a warning, the seizure may continue as a complex partial seizure or it may evolve into a convulsion.

The end to a seizure represents a transition from the seizure back to the individual’s normal state. This period is referred to as the “post-ictal period” (an ictus is a seizure) and signifies the recovery period for the brain. It may last from seconds to minutes to hours, depending on several factors including which part(s) of the brain were affected by the seizure and whether the individual was on anti-seizure medication. If a person has a complex partial seizure or a convulsion, their level of awareness gradually improves during the post-ictal period, much like a person waking up from anesthesia after an operation. There are other symptoms that occur during the post-ictal period and are detailed below.

Please note: Below is only a partial list, some people may experience other symptoms not listed below. These lists are meant to help patients communicate with their physicians.

Early seizure symptoms (warnings)

Sensory/Thought:

  • Deja vu
  • Jamais vu
  • Smell
  • Sound
  • Taste
  • Visual loss or blurring
  • Racing thoughts
  • Stomach feelings
  • Strange feelings
  • Tingling feeling

Emotional:

  • Fear/Panic
  • Pleasant feeling

Physical:

  • Dizziness
  • Headache
  • Lightheadedness
  • Nausea
  • Numbness

No warning:

  • Sometimes seizures come with no warning

Seizure symptoms

Sensory/Thought:

  • Black out
  • Confusion
  • Deafness/Sounds
  • Electric Shock Feeling
  • Loss of consciousness
  • Smell
  • Spacing out
  • Out of body experience
  • Visual loss or blurring

Emotional:

  • Fear/Panic

Physical:

  • Chewing movements
  • Convulsion
  • Difficulty talking
  • Drooling
  • Eyelid fluttering
  • Eyes rolling up
  • Falling down
  • Foot stomping
  • Hand waving
  • Inability to move
  • Incontinence
  • Lip smacking
  • Making sounds
  • Shaking
  • Staring
  • Stiffening
  • Swallowing
  • Sweating
  • Teeth clenching/grinding
  • Tongue biting
  • Tremors
  • Twitching movements
  • Breathing difficulty
  • Heart racing

After-seizure symptoms (post-ictal)

Thought:

  • Memory loss
  • Writing difficulty

Emotional:

  • Confusion
  • Depression and sadness
  • Fear
  • Frustration
  • Shame/Embarrassment

Physical:

  • Bruising
  • Difficulty talking
  • Injuries
  • Sleeping
  • Exhaustion
  • Headache
  • Nausea
  • Pain
  • Thirst
  • Weakness
  • Urge to urinate/defecate

If you or someone you know has the symptoms listed above — you are not alone. Below are personal stories by people who have either experienced or witnessed seizure symptoms.

Adapated from: Schachter SC, editor. Brainstorms: epilepsy in our words. New York: Raven Press; 1993; and Schachter SC, editor.The brainstorms companion: epilepsy in our view. New York: Raven Press; 1995.

Topic Editor: Steven C. Schachter, M.D.
Last Reviewed:12/15/06

What people swimming with people with epilepsy should know

If you are planning on going swimming and you have epilepsy, there is safety advice.  Some is advice that you really should follow anyway… others are “epilepsy specific”

BEFORE YOU SWIM, CONTACT YOUR DOCTOR TO MAKE SURE HE OR SHE DOESN’T HAVE AN ISSUE WITH YOU SWIMMING!!!
Amandya was told that she can’t swim alone or bath alone (shower is okay… but bath isn’t always).

Your swimming safety…

• Never swim alone.  No one ever should, but if you have a history of seizures, this is particularly important…

• If there is a lifeguard or pool supervisor present, make them aware of your epilepsy.  If you are just with people you know, make sure that you let them know you have epilepsy.  Yeah, yeah, this is the no fun part of the whole deal if you have been keeping it a secret, but it matters.  It really REALLY matters.

• If there’s no qualified lifeguard present, don’t swim deeper than the shoulder height of the person who’s swimming with you.  If you read the next section… it should become obvious why… but think about it.  If you need to be pulled out of the deep water, you need to have your head supported out of the water so you can breathe through your seizure.  If the people you are with aren’t tall enough to keep your head out of  the water, you could easily drown.

• Make sure that your companion knows what to do if you have a seizure and is strong enough to help you. It’s important that whoever you are with has a clue on what to do if you seize while you are in the water and that they are capable of doing what is necessary.  It needs, also, to be someone you know you can trust with your life.

• Practise what to do if you have a seizure with your companion.  Again, not really something that is “fun” because it takes a lot of the spontaneity out of the day… but again… it matters.  Not that someone who is totally unfamiliar with what to do will fail miserably, quite the contrary, someone who doesn’t know and doesn’t even REALLY understand can be the one to save your life (we are walking proof of this) but it helps.

• Swimming in the sea, lakes or very cold water is dangerous so should be avoided.  Here, you need to talk in detail with your doctor to make sure what is right and wrong for you….
• Don’t swim if you are feeling unwell.  Again… this is something that should be common sense to everyone, but is particularly important for people with seizure disorders.  If you are feeling unwell, it is possible that there is a seizure coming on.  Even if there isn’t… if you are feeling unwell, you could spread viruses or bacteria to others swimming with you.
• Avoid overcrowded situations as it might be difficult for others to notice if you have a seizure.  Busy pools always make me feel nervous on a good day… and having barely enough room to stand in the water is so not fun… but when you have epilepsy and you need to know that a life guard, if there is one, or a friend, is going to be able to FIND you at all let alone see you if you get into trouble… that is a big chance.

Now that you’ve looked at how to think about swimming (for you and for your friends) with epilepsy… now, most important for those who are swimming with you or those who are there to watch our for you…this is what to consider when swimming (or looking after a swimmer) with someone with epilepsy.

It is sometimes helpful to understand the kind of seizure that your friend or family member has… so you know what you are looking for.

Dealing with a seizure that occurs in the water (pool… creek… lake… bath tub… )

Tonic-clonic seizures

These are the kind of seizures that Amandya has…

When you see the seizure in process…

• From behind, tilt the person’s head up so it is out of the water… lean their head back on your shoulder… supporting their weight, whatever weight there is to support, while they are unable to help themselves.  While you are supporting them, if it is in any way possible, try to get them into more shallow water so it is easier to keep their head out of the water.
In the water it is not any different from out of the water… don’t try to restrain the movements of the person seizing, and don’t put anything (ESPECIALLY YOUR FINGERS OR HANDS) in their mouth.  They may bite their tongue (Amandya does with every seizure) but they won’t swallow their tongue (it isn’t possible) but if you put anything in their mouth, they will either injure you (possibly badly) or break their teeth on anything you put in their mouth.
Once any jerking or thrashing has stopped, move them to dry land and place them on their side while they recover.  Ever after the thrashing is done, until they can coherently talk to you, they still need to be supervised.  And if possible, throw a towel or blanket or robe or even a t-shirt over them to allow them to maintain some level of privacy as they recover because they won’t be coherent to protect their own privacy… and it is not totally uncommon for some people with seizures to go through trying to undress themselves as they are coming out of a seizure.
Remember to stay with them because they could have another seizure and end up back in the water accidentally.  And if you have never witnessed one of their seizures don’t be embarrassed at having witnessed it, don’t hesitate to ask questions, and remember this is something they deal with, often on a daily basis.

Absence and partial seizures

Absence and partial seizures typically won’t need emergency action, and you may not even be totally sure that is what is happening, still, if you see anything odd, care should be taken with the person involved.  Make sure that they don’t sink or that their face doesn’t go into the water.  Guide them out of deeper water or (as with the complex partial) hold their head out of the water until the seizure has completed. Once they have recovered from the seizure check with them to see if you can help them to get out of the water.  They may still be disoriented or tired or confused.  Stay with them and make sure that they are okay.

Calling 911

I know that the emergency room doesn’t want to see Amandya.  There isn’t anything they can do for her at this point.  We have a diagnosis.  The doctor is there for her (EVERY single time we seize, we call and adjust the meds, but simple seizures don’t warrant a trip to the emergency room.

That said, there are times when you need to either call the ambulance or deliver the person to the emergency room.

If the person has swallowed or breathed in water, they should go to be seen by the emergency room people.

As with a seizure on dry land, if multiple seizures occur back to back without the person regaining consciousness, if the seizure lasts longer than is “typical” or if the seizure lasts more than 5 minutes they need to be transported to the emergency room.  This isn’t anything special to do with swimming, or being in the water, these are often the general rules for calling 911 for a seizure.  The same is true if they injure themselves in the process of the seizure (if they hit their head for example).

Alerting the lifeguards or security people at the pool

Again… not something that you want to think about or that you want to make a big deal out of, but if the seizure causes the person to loose control of their bowels, you need to alert the people in charge of maintaining the pool because the pool will need to be cleaned to protect everyone (including you and your friends and family) from illness that may occur due to contamination.

Seizing at the Pool

Sometimes reality bites… and sometimes it is just so freaking scary that it is beyond belief…

Also…

Six months count down starts again.

We let our guard down a little… 4 weeks passed… everything that seemed to be like the other shoe falling last weekend… we got through finals and graduation for Adam and everything from the weekend and we made it through all of the stress…

And LAST Saturday was 28 days.

Today was 35 days…five weeks

Today, Amandya and three of her friends descended upon the pool (the one you are SUPPOSED to have a pool key for to get in… we let in the kids Amandya was meeting so she could be a kid… so she could have fun and be a teenage girl and relax).  About an hour into the swim… one of her friends hoisted her up out of the pool and laid her on the edge before we could ever get around the pool to where they were standing.  He saved her life.

Reality smacked her in the face.

What would have happened if she had been mid swim rather than standing at the edge.

How long can people live without oxygen

How can you tell, if someone is mid-swim, that they are seizing…

reality sucks… but now she is starting to realize that there is a reason that we worry and that we stress.

It was refreshing, in a lot of ways, to see how the people at the pool reacted to the crisis.  There is no life guard at our pool… but the guard had just showed up about 20 min before the seizure.  The people all wanted to know if we wanted 911 called, if cold water would help, if gator aid would help, if there was anything they could do to help… which none of it would have helped right at that point in time…

Reality kind of bits for daddy, too… one of the people at the pool who offered to help was in extreme earnest in helping.  When we told her it was epilepsy, she simply said, “oh… okay, I understand.  I work with Special Needs kids”… it was the first time that he had to really come to grips with the fact that she really is, in a lot of ways, a special needs kid.  He was thinking… she just has seizures… she just has epilepsy… but really… that means that she is special needs… she has a condition that means she may need to have someone help her in a given situation.  He thought about pointing out to the lady that Amanday is fine, she just has epilepsy… and that is true… but… it means that her needs are different than many of the people in her class, many of the other people in her school… so … she has special needs…

Me… I ache tonight.  I had a headache to begin with (our morning walk I didn’t drink enough) and the 7 miles was a little long given that we hadn’t walked for more than 2 weeks so my toes were achy.  Tonight… tonight I feel like I’m in the middle of a flare and I ache almost everywhere…

If anything good came out of this, though… her three closest friend “got” to see and understand what happens so I know they know what to look for in case it happens when they are around again…

The one thing she did, after we got her home and out of the car (she managed to get a ride home from the pool rather than having to walk… go figure) and after she threw up all over the front porch… was to post her new status on Facebook.  Somehow I didn’t have the heard to correct here on her language… The “F” word isn’t totally acceptable, but someone in connection to epilepsy… the sentiment just seemed appropriate today.

Funny… now she is telling me that I’m not a failure because I can’t fix this… that it just matters that we are there when it happens… it doesn’t mean I don’t feel like I should be able to fix it… but it did make me smile.

I got two really good kids… I’m really lucky… and proud.

Now we went from 1250 mg Keppra to 1750 mg of Keppra… 750 in the morning… 1000 in the evening… maybe that will get this under control… if not… probably new meds…

And we start again…

It has been a somewhat crappy week or so for me (not in general… I’ve just been feeling particularly sorry for myself lately and it has been giving me Eeyore’s little black rain cloud… nothing that is too terribly horrible for the rest of the world… just my own personal crappy mood.

Today was the b!&$% slap in the face to bring me back to my senses.  And it did.  Nuff said.

I have been feeling particularly crappy because I have been feeling a lot like I’ve been letting people down… not being what they need me to be… in general… and that has started my “I feel like a failure” mood.

Add to that the fact that I have had the distinct feeling that no one is willing to even talk to me about fund raising right now (yeah, I KNOW it is so not true… but it has been that little black rain cloud kind of feeling) and raising awareness of epilepsy…

Add in the semi-complacency of not having any majorly grande-mal seizures and and having a life that started to try to approach normalcy… Life came back and woke me up to what matters most.

It was SAT day.  Skinny butt did his 5 hours at the SAT test and thinks he did well.  I have no doubt he did.  These tests he actually doesn’t do too badly on.  And he kicked butt on the PSATs so I don’t figure he has a care in the world on this one.

Lunch was Hoody’s Subs.  They are really good.  I got a saute’d veggie one…

When we got home… I hollered up to Amandya to come get her salad… She made it half way across the loft before she seized.  Adam heard her and ran to help.  Pushed the coffee table out of the way… I held her until the seizure itself ended… I held her while the aftermath worked its way through… I smoothed her hair while she thought she was 13 and while she thought she was 14… I held her hand and her head when she realized that it happened again and she cried.

It’s not fair… And I know that this isn’t something that a booboo bunny or kisses can make go away… I know it isn’t something I can fix.  But I feel like such a failure as a mother right now… no it isn’t rational… no it isn’t logical… but it is what it is.

I sat in the office while I waited for the doctor to call me back and cried and cried because I can’t fix this for her.  I can hold her while she goes through it all but I can’t fix it.  I can be her advocate (and if nothing else… this put the steel back in my spine to make a difference for Amandya and for all of the Amandya’s out there who are dealing with all of this or anything like this…

I can help her tie a knot and hold on… I can hold on to her and hold on for her and help her to get through the NEXT six months (we start counting again) and help her to find a way to realize that epilepsy doesn’t define who she is… she is not the condition.  It is a part of her, but so is being the little squirrel who was climbing the dentist’s apple tree at 2 and the girl who eeps when she sees chip and dale… and the girl who is trying to deal with all of this “difference” while all she wants to do as a teenager is to fit in…

SO…

A Day Like No Other… the name of the non-profit

Monday… I go back to reaching out to everyone I can.

This afternoon… we go find out if Kepra ER comes in 250 mg tablets and we start on the next set of waiting to see what the future holds.

Sometimes it Feels Like Life Isn’t Fair… AKA… Being a Parent Sometimes Sucks

I can’t help her.  All I can do is sit helplessly and watch her seize and keep her from hitting her head on the door way and keep her from drowning in her own saliva.

It’s been a bad day.

And it was a reasonably decent weekend, too… we got homework caught up.  She was starting to find humor in the way that some people view her inability… (she isn’t supposed to walk by the coffee table any more… or go anywhere alone… or sit and watch the creek water flow (something that she loves… something that I can SO totally relate to)).  She was just starting to feel that life may be okay and that the 750 mg Keppra ER was having a desired effect.

It wasn’t.

I had my lavender scarf nearly done (I’m edging it in burgundy/teal/purple variegated yarn as just a little difference… yes pictures will be posted when it is done) to wear for International Purple Day (and for the Round Rock City Council Meeting on Thursday).

I was getting her print outs off the printer in the office so she had them for school.  I heard the seizure start.  I don’t know what is worse, hearing the sound of it starting or seeing her in the midst of one.

She was in her room… I found her laying on the floor rigid, her eyes rolled back in her head.  She had pillows and blankets on the floor where she was (she was cleaning her room) and she was laying on them.

All I can do is keep her from hurting herself on the doorway and feel helpless and almost useless… I can’t fix this.  I can’t make it any better.

Dr Reardon (who I called afterward) said to double her dose tonight (it’s been 4 weeks exactly… almost to the HOUR) since the last ones.  She was complaining that the light made her sick.  He said it was normal for a seizure to trigger a migraine… it does with her… with all the symptoms… tummy… head… vision… so I covered her window with sheets to cut more of the light out and she’s sleeping on the pillows and blankets on the floor.  The first dose of the Keppra is in her, the next one (the double up one) is due in a few hours.

Now, she is uber depressed again… she was starting to feel almost normal again… how do I convince her this really isn’t the end of the world?  How do I help her to understand that there has to be a purpose to this… How do I keep from feeling as helpless as she does.  I’m a mommy.  I’m supposed to be able to fix things.  Booboos are supposed to be fixed by a kiss and a hug and SOMETIMES a booboo-bunny with ice in it… or a frozen wash cloth (for bitten tongue or lip)… even when they both got older, ice packs and doctors were supposed to be my co-super-heros.  I feel like I’m failing her because I can’t fix this and I’m supposed to be able to fix it… I just am.

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